Thanks to Paul McCartney, now when people ask about my 25 year relationship with Andy Richter, I can say, “we’re friends but we’re not ‘masturbate-together’ friends.”

— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) September 15, 2018

from http://twitter.com/ConanOBrien
via IFTTT

@robdelaney pic.twitter.com/Qf7ys2YPU8

— Kev Rich (@kevantrich) September 12, 2018

from http://twitter.com/kevantrich
via IFTTT

AIDE 1: How do we make the moron happy today?

AIDE 2: This is probably too stupid, but what if we told him he set the presidential record for most years since 9/11?

TRUMP: https://t.co/BEPP0hVsBc

— Guy Endore-Kaiser (@GuyEndoreKaiser) September 11, 2018

from http://twitter.com/GuyEndoreKaiser
via IFTTT

If you’re in Hollywood today, go get it! ?@AdamPerryLang? https://t.co/8vy8F4QQmC

— Jimmy Kimmel (@jimmykimmel) August 29, 2018

from http://twitter.com/jimmykimmel
via IFTTT

The time has finally come… On Aug. 27 at 11:30 AM I’ll be getting my very own star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame (6914 Hollywood Blvd., right across the street from the Chinese Theatre). The ceremony is FREE and open to the public, so come on down!!

— Al Yankovic (@alyankovic) August 13, 2018

from http://twitter.com/alyankovic
via IFTTT

What’s the new show going to be about pic.twitter.com/doSHixQqWu

— Swear Trek (@swear_trek) August 4, 2018

from http://twitter.com/swear_trek
via IFTTT

When you were partying, I studied the blade. When you were having premarital sex, I mastered the blockchain. While you wasted yr days at the gym in pursuit of vanity, I cultivated inner strength. And now that the world is on fire and the barbarians are at the gate you have the au pic.twitter.com/eG24BA6FLF

— your eyes. my tweets. let's make this happen!! (@ChrisCaesar) August 4, 2018

from http://twitter.com/ChrisCaesar
via IFTTT

Watch Clutch frontman Neil Fallon whip up a batch of tasty Maryland crab cakes in video for Hot Bottom Feeder: https://t.co/VRAM49u5VD pic.twitter.com/tYdoo6ztGj

— Metal Hammer (@MetalHammer) July 27, 2018

from http://twitter.com/MetalHammer
via IFTTT

Rage Against The Machine – First Public Performance – Oct 23, 1991https://t.co/DTmKVMDemR

— Johnny Cupcakes (@JohnnyCupcakes) July 15, 2018

from http://twitter.com/JohnnyCupcakes
via IFTTT

Just saw Incredibles 2. The designer of Elastigirl’s big ass deserves the Oscar for Making My Dong Rock Hard.

— rob delaney (@robdelaney) July 18, 2018

from http://twitter.com/robdelaney
via IFTTT