So I woke up the other morning with the strange feeling of a presence in my bedroom. This prompts me to call out.
me:hello?
voice:hello
me:who are you and what are you doing in my house?
voice:it is me satan and i’ve come here to chat.
me:ok what can i do for you.
satan:nothing it is what i am going to do for you.
me:what in exchange for my immortal soul?
satan:ha no i don’t really do that. what would be the point everybody ends up in hell eventually anyway. i have been reading your blog and i find you entertaining. when you get to hell we should hang out. we have very similar tastes and i think we could have fun together.
me:i’m not gay
satan:fuck you neither am i! goddamit! i knew this was a bad idea.
me:wait wait sorry we can hang out so what do i get?
satan:what do you want?
me:i would like to meet a nice girl who will give me her anal virginity.
satan:see that is why i know we can hang out. unfortunately that is something that i cannot give you.
me:WTF satan do you need me to worship you by sacrificing goats or donating some money?
satan:haha silly boy worship is for christians, i just want to hang out in hell and swap ass fucking stories on Thursday nights.
me: but satan i don’t have any ass fucking stories.
satan:and that is where i am going to help you out. convincing a girl to give up her anal virginity can be a very tricky thing. unless of course they are a whore, but that is not what we are going for here now is it?
me:no satan of course not.
satan:you have to use a little finesse, some kind words, and most importantly some lubrication. i don’t care what ass fuck brad says, i’m gonna visit him next for a totally different purpose, you are going to need plenty of lubrication. i prefer the k-y or some astro-glide myself, spit just wont cut is a few thrusts in and it will start to feel like sandpaper. all girls want to take it in the ass they are just don’t want to be considered a whore. you have to make them feel like putting it in that brown star is one of the most beautiful natural things in the world. it will be a special moment for the both of you, or some shit like that you get the idea.
me:thanks satan this sounds like some really good advice. will i ever see you again.
satan:i will see you in hell, oh don’t worry i will see you in hell.