{"id":2571,"date":"2017-01-22T12:01:38","date_gmt":"2017-01-22T17:01:38","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/hjays.com\/?p=2571"},"modified":"2017-01-22T12:01:38","modified_gmt":"2017-01-22T17:01:38","slug":"theonion-biden-sadly-realizes-this-could-be-last-time-he-throws","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/hjays.com\/?p=2571","title":{"rendered":"theonion: Biden Sadly Realizes This Could Be Last Time He Throws&#8230;"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>theonion:  Biden Sadly Realizes This Could Be Last Time He Throws Lit Firecracker Into Press Conference  WASHINGTON\u2014Growing suddenly introspective as he flipped open his Whitesnake Zippo lighter in a West Wing hallway, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly came to the sad realization Monday that this could be the last time he tosses a lit firecracker into a White House press conference. \u201cAw shit, after today, I might never get another shot to whip an M80 into the Press Briefing Room again\u2014end of an era, man, end of a goddamn era,\u201d said Biden, who smiled wistfully while recalling all the \u201ckickass\u201d times he launched a handful of bottle rockets at the audience of unsuspecting \u201cink slingers.\u201d \u201cBack in the Senate, Orrin Hatch used to get his panties in a knot when I chucked a fat little cherry bomb under his seat. I shit you not, that fucker pissed himself more times than I could count. Don\u2019t get me wrong, though, Ol\u2019 Joe\u2019s gonna keep on flinging bangers into crowds after I blow this joint, but hell, it\u2019ll never be the same as this.\u201d At press time, Biden was reportedly tying together the fuses of several firecrackers to give the press corps \u201csomething they\u2019ll never fucking forget.\u201d   <\/p>\n<p><a href=\"http:\/\/ift.tt\/2jsBA3J\">Read the story >><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>theonion: Biden Sadly Realizes This Could Be Last Time He Throws Lit Firecracker Into Press Conference WASHINGTON\u2014Growing suddenly introspective as he flipped open his Whitesnake Zippo lighter in a West Wing hallway, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly came to the sad realization Monday that this could be the last time he tosses a lit firecracker [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":24,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[76],"tags":[79],"class_list":["post-2571","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-reblog","tag-pinboard"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p8MZA-Ft","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/hjays.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2571","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/hjays.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/hjays.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/hjays.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/24"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/hjays.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2571"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"http:\/\/hjays.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2571\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2572,"href":"http:\/\/hjays.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2571\/revisions\/2572"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/hjays.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2571"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/hjays.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2571"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/hjays.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2571"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}