I wonder if my cunt of a sister in law reads my tweets. This ought to clear that up. — MJ (@sucittaM) May 27, 2016 from http://twitter.com/sucittaM via IFTTT

[police station]Cop: you're free to go, here's your belongingsMe: wheres my murder weapon?Cop: your what?Me: nothin see ya later asshole — David Hughes (@david8hughes) May 26, 2016 from http://twitter.com/david8hughes via IFTTT

The best part about working in an office is that if you ever forget that you got a haircut, someone will definitely point it out to you. — MJ (@sucittaM) May 25, 2016 from http://twitter.com/sucittaM via IFTTT

Braaaaaaands. http://pic.twitter.com/O4Irjq04ET — Merlin Mann (@hotdogsladies) May 21, 2016 from http://twitter.com/hotdogsladies via IFTTT

Did you spot this #ArrestedDevelopment Easter egg in #CaptainAmerica #CivilWar? https://t.co/sFWFlVGcD6 http://pic.twitter.com/GPRQzCscEt — NME (@NME) May 19, 2016 from http://twitter.com/NME via IFTTT

I’ve spent most of my day sending out emails then running to the recipient’s desk to see if I can get there before the email does. — MJ (@sucittaM) April 20, 2016 from http://twitter.com/sucittaM via IFTTT

I'm dying http://pic.twitter.com/GWwnvn4uJf — Heroic Hollywood (@heroichollywood) April 10, 2016 from http://twitter.com/heroichollywood via IFTTT

Han Solo's ship should be called the Millennial Falcon because it hardly ever works. Lol jk kids, sorry we wrecked the country for you — Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) April 6, 2016 from http://twitter.com/KenJennings via IFTTT

Happy birthday, neighbor. http://pic.twitter.com/mszBEv0e1j — Daniel (@_Waun_) March 20, 2016 from http://twitter.com/_Waun_ via IFTTT

If you list your favorite sports teams in your Twitter bio, chances are you're not gonna like my jokes. — Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) March 24, 2016 from http://twitter.com/pattonoswalt via IFTTT